Triduum/Easter Sunday

Something odd happened to me.  At first, I was thinking it was this year that it has started, but in thinking back, it really started last Easter.

The odd (to me) thing was that I started being not so “taken in” by the celebration of Jesus’ resurrection.  It is almost as if this teaching of the resurrection of the body has ceased to be essential to my Christian faith.

What would happen if some irrefutable evidence was found of the remains of Jesus’ body?  Would it change the essence of my faith?

Surprisingly, I have come to believe that it would not deter my faith.

I am far more taken by the fact that Jesus’ “conquering” of death was in his acceptance of it and his refusal to do anything to turn away from it’s inevitability.  He refused to turn away from who he was to avoid dying.

It is my belief that Jesus’ time on this earth was to give us an example of how to live ….. how “to be ” in this world in such a way as to be tuned in to the creative energy of our existence instead of being part of the destructive energies that exist.  The choice is ours.

Perhaps the real miracle was that people took up his message and carried it on.  The true essence of Jesus does, indeed, continue to live in his message which is still alive today.

Jesus came to help relieve suffering.

I have no trouble, as a Christian, accepting Jesus as a Bodhisattva.

Perhaps, on Easter Sunday, we celebrate Jesus’ “awakening”.

Triduum/ Holy Saturday

An interesting observation: the year I was born, the day I was born also happened to be Holy Saturday. Hmmm. I wonder if that means anything?

This year, I am spending some time contemplating who it was that had the power to put Jesus to death … and what was their motivation???

It seems as if to the Roman officials, Jesus was just another trouble maker. At the urging of the Temple officials, it was easy to just do away with this annoyance. At the time, for the Romans, crucifixion was not all that big of deal ….. and what was one less Jew to them? Especially one who was not in favor with the Jewish leaders?

My thoughts rest more with these leaders, these temple officials. The Pharisees and the Sadducees. My limited knowledge of the era suggests that perhaps the problem of this man, Jesus, was one of the few things they could agree upon. Throughout the New Testament, we read many accounts of the Pharisees attempting to find fault with Jesus and his adherence to the Temple Laws.

Sound familiar? Who are today’s Pharisees?

As my background is Roman Catholic, I can’t help but thing of our Church hierarchy as being Pharisaical (is that a word, or did I just make it up?? Well, you know what I mean.) I observe people who are trying to live according to the call of God that pulls on them from within, but are told they are wrong. Not only wrong, but in danger of excommunication.

In our modern era, there are no literal crucifixions or burnings at the stake. No more jailing of those who do not agree with the ruling cleric of the area. Nope, the only thing that “the boys” can do is to say that you are no longer a member of the club.

I think specifically of the women and married men who hear a call to the priesthood. These brave people who follow God’s call regardless of what the Church officials have to say about it. I think of the brave male Bishops who had the courage to help these individuals respond to God’s call. I can’t help but believe that these people are walking in the way of Jesus when they live their lives true to their call, despite what the church officials say, and despite the excommunications that have been handed down to some of them.

So, it is in those who follow God’s call despite what the organized church might say about it that I find the example of how to live a life according to the example of Jesus as opposed to those men who spend their days coming up with rules I should be following. Ah well …. I never was particularly good at following rules I could not understand.

Triduum/Good Friday

This year, I chose not to attend the Good Friday services. Instead, I chose to spend the time quietly at home and spend some time in mediation. For me, the evening after the passover meal celebrated Thursday was the more pivotal point of the Triduum. There is that point where Jesus makes the choice to fully enter into what is happening to him.

Once upon a time, I was wondering about the word passion …… and why do we call this time of Jesus’ suffering at the hands of the officials the “passion”? Then, why do we also  refer to that intense emotional feeling that happens between two people “passion”. What do these two things have in common?

Somewhere along the line I came across an idea about passion that just fits well for me. It was the idea that “passion” involves one’s total absorption by the moment; a giving oneself over totally to what is happening.

This just makes sense to me in the instance of someone who acts in the “heat of the moment”, or acting when having been taken over by strong emotion. It also works when two people are strongly attracted to each other.

And so this idea also works, for me, in regards to the way that Jesus totally accepts his circumstances without compromising who he is; without backing down from the stand that he has taken. He becomes totally present to the moment.

For awhile now I have had difficulty with the whole Theology that states that it was ordained by God from the beginning that Jesus had to die for our sins. Just what does that mean???? The idea that God sends his “only begotten Son” to live amongst us with the knowledge that it was with the intent of “sacrificing” Jesus.

Now, I do understand the reasonings that exist regarding this sacrificial act …. I am familiar with different “Salvation Theologies”, however, I just do not accept them. I think that Jesus, in being who he was, taking the stands, and teaching the messages that he did , was destined to die at the hands of those in power because of who THEY were, more than because of who Jesus was. It seems to me that the message of the passion has something to do with how organized groups, especially religions, deal with people who do not blindly follow the “rules” and dare to stand up as individuals.

I am sure I am not going to be winning any Pulitzer prize for my reasonings, and that is OK. I do not back up my thoughts with any sort of academic rigor. Instead, I choose to focus on the way that Jesus fully entered into his destiny at the hands of those who saw him as a threat. I choose to honor the way he chose not to take the “easy way out”, but stood firm. I choose to NOT focus on what was done TO him, but on how he remained totally present to each moment; how he did not turn from the path he set out on, no matter the price.

I recently heard someone … or read the statement …… that there are no answers, only choices. I do not know who is right or wrong …. but I do choose to listen to the message of Good Friday in a way that helps me better know how I am to be present in this world.

Not Knowing

Somewhere along the line, I have given up trying to plan or anticipate what is going to happen in my sessions with Connie.  As a result, when going in, I can never really anticipate how I am going to come out!

Yesterday, this was really true.  I had no idea what to talk about.  So, I just tried to talk about where I was, what I was feeling at the moment.  I started off with trying to describe how I just feel disconnected …. not in a negative sense, but in more of a sense of just not being connected.  Connie brought up the idea of “non-attachment”, which sort of made sense, however, I later was thinking about it, and I decided that the non-attachment I was experiencing was one that was leading more to a sense of separation rather than a sense of unification with all things.

Connie noted that I was presenting with a rather “flat” affect during this session.  I could not disagree with this observation, however, I was not aware that I was actively withholding anything.  I could identify that I was sort of feeling in “limbo” or sort of like I was just bobbing around in some huge, endless body of water.  She offered a different interpretation … that, given  our past sense of “connectiveness”, I was actually “running scared” (my words, not hers … I think she just said something about fear). 

I think that she touched on something that was just formulating in my head … and I could just not articulate it yet.  I don’t think it is really fear … but more trying to accept the inevitability of some vague idea about how this sense of “connectedness” is not going to reach it’s full potential.  This context of therapist:client is just not going to allow this to happen.

“there is something about who you are that tells me something about who I am”

For whatever reason, I do not seem to be able to reach who Connie is as a person …. I can’t put her in a context …. and I find this bothersome.  Part of me wants to find fault with myself … that it is somehow my inadequacey that keeps me from being able to “know” her as a person.  I am choosing, instead, to focus on the context of the client-therapist realationship, instead, as being what will keep this from happening.

Triduum/Holy Thursday

I have been a student of Christianity, specifically Roman Catholicism, for the vast majority of my 50 years; a student of Buddhism for just about a year now …..

This year, I enter into this liturgical Triduum with unease ….. I am losing my grip on so many things that I have held onto for decades. I am not as unsettled by this as I may have been in the past. Part of what I seek is “non-attachment”. However, sometimes I think I am falling into a “non-attachment” that is more of a separation than it is a unification with all things. Oh well …….

I have taken up reading the works of Ken Wilber ….. his name has cropped up so often in so many places … so I decided to start at the beginning with “Spectrums of Consciousness” … anyway, in there I have read a reference to an image that I cannot shake. It is the idea of a finger pointing to the moon ….. and the admonition to not mistake the finger for the the moon to which it is pointing. Catholicism is a VERY symbolic tradition. I think most would agree with this. It has become my experience, however, that we have often mistaken the symbol for that to which it “points” us.

In regards to the Bible …. I have long ago let go of reading it literally, as I did the first time I read it at the age of 13. I do now try to understand it within it’s historical, cultural and political contexts. I have great difficulty when anyone says “Did not Jesus say….”. This question does not seem to be a question at all, for the person asks it is not really trying to engage you in an exchange, but simply telling you, for fact, this IS what Jesus said. Well ….. who knows the answer to if he said it or not??? No one KNOWS for sure. One may choose to believe so because s/he have chosen to believe in a compilation of writings that are the written accounts set down some 50-80 years after the statement was made and then were not even “canonized” for another 300-400 years. This is all well and good for them …. and I think that to most of us, then, their position is clear. The query ‘Did not Jesus say…’ really becomes a statement of their belief and it has not been my experience that this has ever lead to an open conversation entertaining the idea that well, no, maybe he did not say that … or, he may have said it but could he possibly have meant “this” rather than “that”?

So, I am facing the decision regarding attending Holy Thursday services this evening. I am struggling with the idea that the Catholic Church teaches that this is the night that Jesus “instituted” the ordained priesthood. In effect the Church is saying ” ‘Did not Jesus say …’ that this is how the priesthood should be?.” There is no room for the response “well … maybe he was saying this, but could he have meant something other than an all male, celibate, non-married priesthood? When he passed the cup and the bread to others, was it just to the apostles or were there others present at this meal? Was he selective or inclusive as to who shared the meal with him? So, if I attend this service, am I silently accepting what the Church teaches, or can I attend if my real heart-felt response is something else?

The image I have placed at the top of this post is a depiction of the last supper (by the Polish artist, Bodhan Piesecki, 1998) that I find to be closer to what I might imagine this Passover Meal to have been like. I, personally, believing that this is a family meal, believe women and children would not only have been present but would also have played integral parts.

Blessings and aspirations of peace and goodness to all.

Debbie

PS – I did, in fact, attend the Holy Thursday service ….. and I am glad I did.  The liturgy was beautiful …. I was in tears right at the opening hymn ….. tears not of sadness or pain, but just from allowing my heart to be touched by the beauty.

I took part in the ritual “washing of the feet” …… I took the part of one of the “feet washers” …. I tend to sit toward the back of the church, and therefore, helped at one of those stations that were in the back …… the people who came forward tended to be, then, also those who sit toward the back ….. in our case, some of the more marginalized people.  It was a profound experience to be of “service” to them in this way.  I remember one woman in particular who was all bundled up (would never know it was the first of spring here in New York!) and as she removed her shoe and sock revealed a foot so obviously bent and misformed with arthritis and other ailments.  I was just overcome with such a feeling of compassion and gentleness …. in some ways, it is as if I, the “washer” benefited far more from the experience of washing ……. hmmmmmmmmm … hard to explain …… but, anyway, yes, it was good to be there ….. it was good to be there with a mind focussed on the experiences that were good and true ….. to celebrate the inauguration of the Eucharistic meal …. and to take with it my understanding of all that it might mean, rather than to just focus on what I am told it means ……

For me, this has become the pivotal liturgy of the Triduum……

Dream.

The other morning I woke suddenly from a dream.  Usually, after a day or so I can determine some sort of meaning or message from my dreams, but this one has me stumped.

I am in Connie’s office, but it isn’t her office.  She has some shared space with other individuals.  Initially, however, her furniture is arranged in a way as to optimize what privacy there might be.  As I came for my appointment, however, she was rearranging the furniture in such a way as to decrease the sense of privacy.  I found this irritating.  I was also irritated that she had used my  appointment time to do this rearranging.

Next, Connie was sitting comfortably, lounging on an upholstered chaise, reading a newspaper.  When I said something about not liking the new arrangement,  she responded by shaking her newspaper and saying “What’s the difference, it is not as if anything I say  impacts your life.”  She then resumed reading the paper.  I thought, “how in the world could she say that.”  For some reason, I had a watering can in my hand and in response to her comment, I dumped the water on her head …and then I woke up.

I discussed this dream with Connie.  Together, we explored that perhaps the idea of the furniture being rearranged so as to afford less privacy was related to her asking if I thought she should talk with Shelley …. but that did not feel right ….. I have no reason to feel that anything I have shared with either of them, and therefore anything they would say to each other, would be a breach of confidentiality.  I wonder about the idea that the work I do with Connie is sort of “rearranging the furniture” of my inner life. 

Then there is her comment about “What’s the difference, it is not as if anything I say to you impacts your life.” Now, there is no way that I would dream something that Connie might be thinking/feeling, so this must be some sort of projection on my part.  I must be the one thinking/feeling that the work we do is not affecting my life.  But this must be rather deep-seated then, because I DO feel that it is impacting my life.  Am I wrong?

As for my response of how could she say that and then dumping the water …. well, I am still clueless.  Does it mean that this brief dialogue between Connie and me in my dream is really a dialogue I am having with myself in some remote part of my psyche?  Is the dumping of water a way of trying to get my own attention … wake me up???

Letting go.

Rather than try to counteract this feeling of being unloveable by counting all the ways that I know myelf to be loved, perhaps what I need to do is to let go of the notion of being lovable.  What does it mean to be lovable anyway?? What makes one lovable?  Are we as individuals inherently lovable?  Or is one’s lovableness connected to one’s having a purpose to exist? It was as I was pondering these questions that the thought popped into my head that I just needed to “let it go”.  As when a thought floats into my conscious mind in meditation and I simply note it as “Thinking” and watch it float away, so do I need to let the idea of being unlovable float away and return my focus to simply being.

Ego clinging.

Well, it is official … I am old …. as I arrived at work this morning, the parking lot was full of ice.  Of course, I just HAD to wear the new shoes with heels.  As I got out of my car and stared at the trek ahead, I felt that it was as immense as the Sahara Desert …  so, I started gingerly walking across the massive expanse; a young man walked toward me and offered me his arm..  I thanked him, told him I was embarrassed to do so, but I would take him up on his offer.  He was very gracious and we made the trip successfully!  But, now I have images of myself as the old lady in those cartoons about the boy scout helping the old lady across the street!!!

On to the real post …….  we are in the Christian season of Lent … the 40 days before Easter.  Lent is a time of preparation in which one and one’s community takes time to examine their lives and identify the areas in which they may have been falling short in attempts to live according to the Gospels.  My church was holding a “Reconciliation” service.  (in the “old” days I would have gone, by myself, to “confession”.)  I have not taken a part in this rite of absolution for a number of years.  For some reason, I decided to attend this service.  I just kept thinking to myself “I need to reconcile with myself.”  Underlying this thought has been the idea that I just do not find myself to be lovable. Now, I do have an understanding as to why I feel this way.

Yesterday, however, I thought that maybe this whole idea of being lovable is ego-serving.  Rather than try to counteract this feeling of being unloveable by counting all the ways that I know myself to be loved, what I need to do is to let go of the notion of being lovable.  What does it mean to be lovable anyway?? What makes one lovable?  Are we as individuals inherently lovable?  Or is one’s lovableness connected to one’s having a purpose to exist? It was as I was pondering these questions that the thought popped into my head that I just needed to “let it go”.  As when a thought floats into my conscious mind in meditation and I simply note it as “Thinking” and watch it float away, so do I need to let the idea of being unlovable float away and return my focus to simply being.

Ego clinging….

Part of my conversation today with Connie  had to do with my sense of not believing myself to be “lovable”.  Now, I think I understand what might be behind why I might feel this way.  Additionally, I  no longer believe in God as a person who finds me “lovable”.

As I left Connie’s office, the thought occurred to me that  perhaps what I need to do is to let go of the idea of being lovable.  Perhaps the idea of being lovable serves to build one’s ego.  So, in the process of moving beyond the ego, this whole question of being lovable becomes a non-issue.  It is an non-question.  It really does not matter.

Difference …

There seems to be a difference in how I have responded to last week’s session as compared to previous sessions.  The days following the session did not seem to be as “challenging” as usual.

When I told Connie about Shelley’s “surgery” metaphor, I found myself particularly struck by how her response regarding how she viewed this process  was almost identical to what I might have said.  This, coming at a time that I was beginning to think that I might be wrong about the connections we share.

At the end of the session, she mentioned her own participation in therapy ….. and I found this particularly comforting, in some way.

A question asked by Connie has sort of stayed with me …… I am not sure if I answered it or not ….. it was about whether or not I was concerned that she, or I, or both of us would “sexualize” the relationship.   It was a pertinent question, as that has been my lived experience so far …..

So … my simple answer to the question is “No”.  I am not concerned that this will happen.  However, the reasoning behind this answer is not so simple.  The reason I do not believe Connie would do this is because I believe her to be too professional to do this.  Along with this professionalism is a type of rigidity that would not allow her to do this, no matter what her feelings would be.  Additionally, I just don’t believe that I would be someone in whom she  would be interested sexaully.  So … because I do not believe she would, then that covers the question about both of us …. As for me …. I think I am actually more concerned that I DON’T find myself “sexuallizing” the relationship. Is there something wrong with me that I don’t?